Hollywood Francs was sitting at the bus stop on Fairfax just north of Wilshire, across from the 99 Cent Store. With his big laugh and smile, he started cracking jokes at me right away. I asked him what he wanted from the store, and he asked for a specific type of smoked sausage and a salad with a light dressing, so that he could keep his physique. He started telling me that he wanted to be a talk show host,
and made sure I spelled his name like the German currency.
Hollywood Francs
“ I’m developing a character that is a romantic comedy action. His name is Rich Star. He does a sexy Santa Claus, but he’s also all spy. He’s all get up and go. He’s a real go-getter.
He’ll get it done. Get in as much and get up and get out his checkbook. Visa and Mastercard and get that goin’ too. He’s hot. Smoking guns. He could put on a gun show and the women like him. You might see him, 4 or 5 beautiful women on each arm on any given day or night.
Always available. He’s a love-maker. He works all day, and does the same as night…
I just made him up talking to you.
See how you’re inspired? ”
“ I’m super likeable. I’ve been told ‘super nice.’ I’ve been buying $20 Starbucks cards for the executive women at NBCUniversal and E! Entertainment TV. You know, winning over friends, winning over the rich and famous.
They write for those shows and produce and direct them. So that’s one way to get up.
And me and the security guys over there are getting pretty good too. So they’re saying that soon it’ll be coming into foreplay.
So I’m happy about that. ”
“ Really, a part of my stand up comedy is if you’re a happy couple, I want you to stay a happy couple, and keep on being a happy couple, and reward you for being that. But if you’re not, I want to give you the girlfriends’ guide for a divorce: How to break up. How to be a brand new you super you, Barbie-like She-ro.
But every She-ro needs a Hero. You know I wanna champion you on to being that amazing woman… You gotta really assist and support women in being their best, and not interfering with that. Being jealous of that. You know what I‘m saying? Put them on a pedestal, man. You know, if it’s about sex and sexy you put them on a pedestal, and maybe they’ll take their clothes of while they’re up there. Haha! ”
“ I’ve been illegally arrested for no reason.
Found not guilty on no charges. ”
“ It seems [cops] go through a cycle that they’re supposed to impose on themselves…[In LA] I kinda got myself so into being on camera, that there is a sense of the cameras being on me. They don’t want their wrong-doing showing up on that… so I haven’t had that problem [with cops] since I’ve been back in California. Plus I don’t drink, I’m not queer, I’m straight, I’m not queer, I’m straight, I don’t drink booze, I don’t smoke, I don’t have a lot of bad habits… ”
“ When all your money‘s gone, your friends are goin’ where all your money went. I’m looking for some, if not all of that money to come my way, ‘cause I know how to hold on to it. ”
“ I don’t associate with anybody else that lives outdoors ‘cause their reasoning would be complete different form my own. They’re guys that chose this, too. This is not my fault. I don’t blame myself for having this happen to me. I never thought it would… I’m not a spokesperson for the homeless.
I cant stand the homeless, man. They can be so mean and angry and disgusting.. See, I’m not any of those things. You can’t profile me that way. ”
“ If I was a professor, I’d make it easy for you. I’d give you all the answers. That way we can move on the more fun stuff. Yeah, make it fun. Don’t make it too challenging… You know, not this big mystical [thing] where you can’t figure out what the next thing is.
I wanna eliminate having to look over everyone
else’s shoulder...
Save you the trouble. ”
“ I just wanna say ‘Hi’ to everyone! You guys are amazing. Thank you for the upcoming awards, Screen Actors Guild, awards that I’ll be winning, the Golden Globe awards that I’ll be winning, hosting...
And most of all, thanks for the Ellen DeGeneres show. Have a little fun with Ellen DeGeneres, and welcome on the show with Ellen DeGeneres, who is like perhaps the very crème de la crème, most priceless of hosts in a staring role, awards-winner herself, whom I adore and adulate and put on a
pedestal and adore affectionately.
And also all daytime TV talk show and nighttime TV talk show hosts. It’s simply fabulous, super-de-duper, super loveable, super likeable,
super fabulous, super entertaining.
Hollywood Francs! Sexiest man alive, that’s me! ”
